Monica Wood - Disappearing (Overview - Part 2)

This is the second part of the overview of Monica Wood's short story "Disappearing". Before reading, please take a look at the introduction I've written here which includes a link to the story itself, a short biography of the author, the setting of the story as well as the characters that interact in it.

This second part will cover the plot and deals with the "growth" process the story describes. Through this process, Wood intimates how destructive others can be and how -- as traumatizers -- they can permanently stunt development.

In part 3,  the point of view and symbolism are discussed.


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Monica Wood - Disappearing

Plot

• fast-paced, series of briefly described events that show a destructive process
• 1^st encounter: sex with husband
• physical perspective: narrator shuts her eyes, is disgusted, passive, helps “make it go faster” just to be done with it
• psychological perspective: no sense of connection ⇒ “… he’s as far from me as he gets. He could be dead he’s so far away.”
• her friend Lettie advises her to leave him (Lettie calls her “stupid”); narrator knows no one would want her the way she is
• she goes to the pool:
• just manages to float at first
• blond girls smirk at her: narrator imagines their thoughts: “… that fat one parting the Red Sea…”
• redhead instructor encourages her
• narrator gets scared
• goes home:
• has cake + milk
• husband: “No wonder you look like that … How can you stand yourself.”
• narrator retorts he’s no Cary Grant
• husband laughs
• narrator purges
• returns to the pool:
• starts swimming (the crawl)
• redhead encourages her, is happy that narrator is floating and moving too
• Lettie stops going to swimming lessons
• tells the narrator she needs to swim a lot to lose weight, to stop eating junk food
• narrator says she’s not doing it for this reason
• Lettie doesn’t believe her
• back at the pool:
• feels secure
• knows she won’t fall even at the deep end
• the heft of her doesn’t matter when she floats
• husband says there’s no difference in her appearance – she looks the same
• narrator knows she’s different: has gained enough confidence to see she has changed; has gained mobility in the pool
• narrator’s interest in men is aroused:
• she starts looking at other men, real men (not the ones she sees on TV)
• drops sth at the supermarket just to see who will pick it up
• puts blue eye shadow on (which runs offs in blue tears in the pool)
• narrator successfully completes swimming lessons, gets certified
• narrator continues to swim:
• gets a lane all to herself: “no one shares” (is it because others don’t want to or because the narrator won’t let anyone?)
• blondes ignore her because she can lower herself and swim without splashing the water
• “For one hour every day I am thin, thin as water, transparent, invisible, steam or smoke.”
• redhead instructor has gone to a different pool
• Lettie doesn’t come over to narrator’s house anymore now that she’s fatter: calls the narrator “uppity”, “… who do you think you are.”
• husband now says she looks all right
• relationship is worse: narrator refuses intercourse sometimes except when pool is closed on Sundays (can’t say no because she hasn’t been invisible)
• but even so, narrator feels it’s not all that bad, he’s better
• husband tells her this dieting + exercise won’t last
• complains about the low-calorie dinners she keeps in the freezer + a machine she keeps in the basement (an exercise machine?)
• narrator says (for the 2^nd time in the story) she’s not doing it for this reason (i.e. to lose weight), but husband (like Lettie) doesn’t believe her
• narrator says there’s other men at the pool: husband doesn’t care what she does with them (says “Good luck.”)
• daughter-in-law
• notices narrator has lost weight
• had kept her from almost all wedding pictures (except the one with the whole family in it because she couldn't help it)
• narrator explains that it’s all because she’s learned how to swim
• narrator says she “should try it, it might help your ugly disposition”
• pool closes for 2 weeks for tile repairs: narrator drinks water all day
• pool opens again
• narrator goes every day until the pool becomes “familiar as a face”
• at first the water is “heavy as blood”, then it becomes “thinner and thinner” just enough to hold her up
• she stops wearing goggles, cap, ear plugs because it keeps the water out of her
• day before a holiday, no one but her + a lifeguard is at the pool
• “… it was echoey silence just me and the soundless empty pool”
• signs she’s too thin: “I lowered myself so slow it hurt every muscle but not a blip of water not a ripple not one sound …”
• redhead instructor returns, remembers her from somewhere but doesn’t recognize her
• husband threatens to put her in a hospital because this has gone too far
• calls the pool instead; they pay no attention
• he no longer touches narrator at night; she smiles in her pillow
• Lettie is shocked to see her: “Oh my God … what the hell are you doing what the hell do you think you’re doing.”
• narrator’s answer: “I’m disappearing…”
• ending: narrator’s thoughts
• in the middle of it people (men) looked at her; she’d thought about it; now they don’t look at her + it’s better
• redhead has taught her to dive: narrator wants to "vanish like a needle into skin" + hopes each time she dives this will be the time she succeeds

“Growth” Process

• this story talks about gaining self-confidence + at the same time becoming self-destructive
• each visit to the swimming pool empowers the narrator even more
• it’s as if the pool is giving her life, allowing her to start from scratch as a baby, then pushing her into childhood, adolescence, adulthood, death
• process:
• floating
• crawling (swimming the crawl)
• not being afraid of the deep end
• mobility: when her husband says she hasn’t changed, she lists the things she can do (float at the deep end, move her arms + feet to push the water behind, swim towards the wall, can look at the bottom of the pool without being afraid)
• sexual interest in others: basic instincts awaken, she starts primping herself (eye shadow)
• gets certified (i.e. graduates): becomes independent (gets a lane to herself, says no to her husband, talks back to her daughter-in-law)
• “in the middle of it”: positive remarks / behavior of others are too late now for her to be able to view the future optimistically (men might be paying attention to her, but not as much as she’d like; Lettie has abandoned her; her husband is still as cold and distant as he was)
• obsession/addiction: after pool closes, she needs her fix to keep herself ‘afloat’; wants to become the water (seeing as she’s seen that being thin doesn’t make a difference ⇒ people just ignore her again) + “vanish like a needle into skin”
• conclusion:
• the process of growth is stunted by a number of traumatizers
• husband: discourages her from swimming (it doesn’t help; dieting + exercising won’t last); treats her like she doesn’t have a heart; gets what he wants from her sexually without giving; says atrocious things to her (“How can you stand yourself.”); doesn’t do anything to save her life even though he sees her wasting away
• Lettie: although she should have bonded with the narrator since they were both victims of body shaming, she abandons her, calls her “uppity”
• blondes at pool: laugh at her then ignore her
• redhead instructor: encourages her but then doesn’t remember her
• daughter-in-law: leaves her out of wedding photos, but now tries to endear herself
• Wood seems to be telling us that life is about learning to swim
• first floating, then not being afraid, then moving and becoming independent
• when you don’t receive the attention + care that all individuals are owed, you prefer to fade away into the underwater silence or the square of the dark that is your pillow at night, becoming invisible like you always have been to others

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